just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
