his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
