it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
