I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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