i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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