I'm so fucking centered right now
I am puke
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
