The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
