I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize