Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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