note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
They took my balls.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
