if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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