This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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