I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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