I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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