So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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