OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
