I wanna bring you to show and tell
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
