When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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