i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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