We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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