I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
