I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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