I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
