i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
