And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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