This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
