do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
