Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
