I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Who wears a wallet chain?!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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