decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
bring money and cleavage
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
