this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
