like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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