There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
