I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
