remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
