everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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