I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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