Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
