I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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