Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
