I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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