I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
