The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
