my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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