Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
