Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
