Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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