no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
