i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
