I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
