Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
