she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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