Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
