i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize