i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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