It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
